TP Romances Gone Askew...
by rubi of queenscove
Summary: For now, parodies that first time Jon kissed Alanna after she was asleep for 3 days. Meant to be funny, I needed to let loose. Shower me with praise, please :-) PG-13 for a few sexual references, nothing bad though.


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A/N- I'm really sorry. I just needed to let loose and do some humour after months of writing my idiotic serious fic, whose last 5 something chapters have yet to be posted because I haven't finished chapter 6 yet. (I know you were wondering, so there.) No stupid flames, please, or I'm liable to behead you. Fair warning...
    
    and SOLD for stupidity. 

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Jon and Alanna- how you've never seen them before...

***1***

Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth. 

He immediately pulled back. "Gross!" he shouted, to Alanna's obvious embarrassment.

"What?" squeaked Alanna, still in shock from the kiss. 

"You've been asleep for 3 days! Do you REALIZE what kind of morning breath you have?"

"Sorry, your Royal Highness! You didn't _have_ to kiss me!"

***2*** __

Someone's coming, Faithful remarked. 

But the remark was unheard in the passion of the moment. Duke Gareth the Elder walked in on Jon kissing his squire, Alan. 

"Jon!" he shouted, "What in Mithros's name are you doing?"  
  
Jon spun around. "Uncle! Oh, no...it's not what it looks like!" 

The Duke just shouted, "Jon, Alan, you **know** those things are frowned upon here! And Jon, how can you expect to be King with these, er, tendencies?"

"I swear, Uncle, it's not what it looks like! You'll just find out...soon enough..."

The Duke shook his head in disgust and walked off. 

***3*** 

Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth.

Alanna pulled back and slapped him with all of her might. "You prat!" she shouted, "Don't you know I'm with George?"

"With?" questioned Jon softly, eyes full of hurt.

"Well, he kissed me. And I don't want anyone thinking I jump around from man to man. So you're not allowed to kiss me."

"That doesn't make sense, Alanna." Jon pondered for a moment. "Actually, it does."

"Stupid," Alanna muttered under her breath.

***4*** 

Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth.

They slowly started getting into the kiss, their mouths moving faster and their passion increasing. Jon started pushing her back onto the bed...

And suddenly, Alanna lost her balance, knocking her head into the wall. "Alanna!" shouted Jon. "Are you alright? Wake up!"

But it was no use. Alanna was out cold. 

Three days later, she finally came around. 

They talked for long moments. And then...

Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth.

They slowly started getting into the kiss, their mouths moving faster and their passion increasing. Jon started pushing her back onto the bed...

And suddenly, Alanna lost her balance, knocking her head into the wall. "Alanna!" shouted Jon. "Are you alright? Wake up!"

But it was no use. Alanna was out cold.

Three days later...

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***5***

Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth. 

After the kiss was over, Alanna leaped up and shouted, "Yes!"

Jon wrinkled his brow. "What?" he asked, puzzled.

"Oh, I jussst cannn't *WAIT* to be Queeeeen..." sang Alanna gleefully. 

"Huh?" queried a confused Jon. 

"You kissed me, so now we will forever be together and...I get to *take over the world*!" Alanna yelled, eyes hungry and joyous.

Jon rolled his eyes. "So this is what comes out of a prince confessing his love..."

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***6***

Carefully, almost timidly, Jonathan kissed her mouth.

Alanna pulled back after a few seconds. "Oh, Jonathan," she said seductively. "I've been waiting for this moment for years...oh, Jon, I love you, mmm, I want you for my husband," Alanna chided, her voice deep and husky. "Oh, make love to me, Jon..."

Jon looked at her, eyes as wide as saucers. "What?!" he yelped. "Y-you can't be serious!"

Alanna laughed, coming out of her disguise. "Of course not, silly!" she said to an obviously relieved Jon. "Didn't you know I fear love? Everyone who read In the Hand of the Goddess knows that!" 

"In the Hand of the Goddess?"

"Sure!" Alanna said exasperatedly. "It's a best-selling fantasy novel by Tamora Pierce, published around in the 1980's."

"The 1980's?" Jon looked at Alanna in disbelief. "But this is only the 400's!"

"Oh..." mumbled Alanna dejectedly. "Right..."

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    A/N- I know it was stupid! So click that little button down there and leave me endless praise. I need an ego boost :-)


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